Only deep pain, love and passion can create poetry. To manage "life",  I numbed my heart and now lost what I cherised most, to write.  At times, I dare venture out to explore my soul but what I feel I dare not expose. I do not recognize the reflection I see, dont' like the change in me.

Your warming smile, your cheerful soul, your arms holding on to me, sweet Serenity.
When life feels like an ocean of responsibility, I sit on the floor to play with thee.
Oh beautiful child, the treasure of my life. You warm my heart, teach more than taught, you gave me hope, a new outlook on life. 
Your joy in light, your laughter at sound, a curiosity only to be found - in a soul so pure- an innocent  so easy to please, that is Serenity.
The delight you take in your first few steps, the joy you feel at creating words, always humming to the beat of drums only we can feel - creating a loving melody to take with me, my sweet loving Serenity.
I want to give you all that is right and wish I could give you the stars your arms are reaching too during clear winter nights. To explore the world with you is the greatest gift dealt to me by destiny. Thank you , sweet Serenity
Nana











.

Connection to reality! Support, love, family, friends - but there is wisdom to be gained from all of these and every loss creates an opportunity.

Sometimes I forget, often I regret. Always I love!

To remind me that love is a choice and to not second guess that feeling, fore that marks the beginning of the end.

Yes, I am still alive.
While withdrawn from the world - too afraid of the truth I write,
I continue my struggle through this thing called life.
Filled with appreciation for the love given so freely
yet I continue to deny.
Protected by a wall only I can destroy.
denial - the weapon of choice,
a sense of loss sometimes overwhelming
no root, no destination, no dreams - equals life.
a glimmer of hope
a lingering wish
too often denied.
Sometimes I wonder,
is this is? Is this my life?

This force we call life,
so often in conflict,
with roles assigned.
too poorely played.
to convince the mind.

Roles that are eating away at the souls,
looking to others
to fit their molds,
always on call,
to change and play
in costumes and colors,
to fit a new day.

Desperately searching
for a place in this world,
the hunger for acceptance,
overpowered
only what we perceive as love,
the excuse:
we are human after all.

To not ask for foregiveness,
to accept, not demand,
to allow your soul to explode and shine,
in this strange new world
...is to be human                          "for a while."

Because a while is all we have
on this place we call earth
before we move on
to continue another search.

Thinking I would never be able to touch a paintbrush again without my heart tearing apart, I ended up painting until 4 am and feel peace. These new sides of me scare me, I am used to a conservative lifestyle, regularity, knowing what tomorrow brings, denying feelings, anger, love and now am lost to find and feed the artistic side of me. I have made no effort to return to the life once known and am surprised to see that I have surrounded myself with influences from the past year. Initially, the attempt was to erase the past, I am living with it. Tuned down my life into this one room. Gave all but my most sentimental possessions away and can only hope that I never "want" again. It has been one week since I used any numbing or self medication attempts. Miss those cigarettes most. Isabella, my loyal companion, had to walk more miles in this one week than most lap dogs do in their entire lifes, but she became house trained in an instance. Good outcome after all.